Kim Priore

I don’t know what the worst feeling in the world is.  In light of the Angelina interview last night with Anderson Cooper, I’m thinking it’s like, being an amputee in a refugee camp in Sierra Leone.  Being a victim of gang rape in the Congo.  I know that I’m not even remotely in the running for worst feeling in the world.

But the worst feeling in MY world is feeling vulnerable.  I have a really hard time trusting people, and those who are in my inner circle know that it’s a mixed blessing.  You get the die hard, passionate, almost mob-like loyalty that comes with the Priore name.  You get the 24-7 availability for Real Time Relationship Services.  You get someone who is always willing, if not eager, to drop everything and have ice cream or coffee with you.  Or ice cream.  Crap now I want ice cream.  But you also get someone for whom you are one of only a few close friends.  That means I rely on you, that means I trust you, that means you get to see a side of me that few people see.

So with these people in particular I am working on the whole vulnerability thing.  Lots of time and money sunk into therapy has taught me that being passive aggressive (and we’re talking ACTUALLY passive aggressive, not the NG version) – not always the best way of letting someone know how you feel and what you need.  It’s better, say all the books and experts and my former therapist, to let people know what’s on your mind and ask for help when you need it.

But what happens when you’re honest with someone, and you tell them what you need and what would make you feel more secure and loved, and they refuse?  For what on the surface is a good reason, and then you find out later that they went out of their way to look out for themselves and left you out to dry?  And THEN had the AUDACITY to be nice to your face and ask you how you were doing???  I keep thinking I have learned my lessons about who I can rely on and trust, but somehow people always manage to surprise me.

I said this was the Summer of Enough Cryin’ and I meant it.  I have a trip to Haiti to get ready for, oh yeah a language to learn, a work study project to salvage, classes to plan for next year at HARVARD (there Nan I dropped the H-bomb ok?) and most importantly GREAT friends and family who love me.  I will not waste time on people who are clearly not worth it.  Except to say this: a deliberate, knowing betrayal hurts more than those people who have just forgotten me and moved on.  Because I’ve done that too, and life is busy and short and we’re all human.  And maybe you think you got away with something.  Congratulations.  You’re one up on me, you’re cooler than me.  I get it.  But at the end of the day, I know who my friends are.  They are people of character: loyal, supportive, and they don’t throw it back in my face when I ask for help.

That’s what my inner circle looks like.  Take it or leave it.