Kim Priore

Aren’t Saturday nights supposed to be fun?  Weekends in general, I mean, you’re supposed to feel relaxed, enjoy the camaraderie of friends, forget about your troubles, etc.  It seems I’ve always had trouble managing to have those weekends.  For a long time a job got in the way, schoolwork has crept in a lot over the years, but even when I don’t have a valid excuse like that, my own inner demons have a way of rearing their ugly heads and spoiling my fun.  Sometimes I do dumb things like sleep all day and then end up being depressed because 1) I haven’t seen enough sunlight and 2) I haven’t gotten anything done and am a big useless blob. 

Tonight it was my own feeling of isolation.  Isn’t it amazing how you can be surrounded by tons of people laughing and having fun and still manage to feel totally alone?  Maybe that’s just me.  I think I’m feeling it this week especially because I got a surprise visit from one of my favorite people in the whole world, and I forget how easy it is to hang out with someone who can finish your sentences.  And as great as it was to have her here, I feel the distance even more now that she’s gone.  Couple that with NG being off on her latest greatest adventure, and the constant reminders of my brother’s imminent departure from the country, and a betrayal of trust by someone that I trusted and confided in, and it all adds up to one very lonely Kim.

And in 3 days I leave for Haiti.  Is it too late to change my mind?  I mean I kind of like sleeping in and eating ramen noodles and watching Oprah, that’s a good life.  I try not to worry too much about the physical safety aspect of it, because hey, not much I can do anyways.  But that’s a weird feeling in and of itself.  Being afraid for my physical safety is not a feeling I’ve experienced much in my life, which I know is a tremendous blessing, and puts me in the minority of the world’s people.  The most I feel is a little freaked out walking back to my car in the city at night in the absence of any chivalrous gentlemen.  And then I just walk a little faster and make sure I keep my head up and my keys out…basically, there are things I can do to protect myself.  In Haiti, there’s not much I can do to protect myself from kidnappers or political violence.  I just have to trust that my life is in God’s hands.  But is that cavalier?  And will I be doing any good at all?  I mean who do I think I am that I can affect any change at all in a place that is so badly hurting?

So these are the things that swirled around my head tonight as I watched friends break out the beer pong table and proceed to reenact a frat party.  And I can’t fault them for doing what they enjoy, and in a way I envy them, because they can shake off whatever problems and troubles they all have that I’m sure are just as pressing as mine, and just enjoy themselves. It was that same surreal feeling I used to get in college when I would leave the Wellesley campus on the weekends and end up with my boyfriend and friends playing ski-ball at the arcade in Framingham.  Like being trapped between two worlds and never fitting anywhere.  (See, I sucked at being in college even when I was IN college, so 7 years later there’s no hope). 

So rather than be a Debbie Downer yet again, I simply excused myself early and came home to try and rein in my emotions and possibly even get some trip prep done.  I’m trying to rechannel the negative feelings, the ugly intellectual elitism that pops up when I least expect it and the martyr complex and all that other stuff, and instead use tonight as an opportunity to be grateful for the friends I have who are the same no matter where they are and who they’re with.  My friends who get me and sense my moods and know when I’m hurting even when I don’t ask for support (since I SUCK at that!).  And while those friends may be spread out across the country tonight, I wouldn’t trade them for a million drunk happy people right here in my backyard.  They make me believe in myself, remind me to believe in God when I have my doubts, and believe that there are people of integrity and character in this world.  I am profoundly blessed.